My illness: Part 4 (And i became a baby...)

Days before the surgery my husband and i cleaned and rearranged the bedroom. I knew once my tummy got stitched, i could not sleep beside any of the boys. They sleep and wrestle at the same time. They would just kick my intestines out. And the fact that i could no longer do any cleaning after surgery, atleast for a while. I have no idea then that it's going to be worse. I have been useless. I have been acting like a baby. I depended on my husband and my mother to do just about everything for me, even up to now.

When i got out of the OR, I was so thirsty and hungry but i wasn't allowed to eat or even drink for several hours. A kind of protocol probably. I was only allowed to wet my lips with a cotton ball. When i was finally permitted to take liquids, I drank through a straw as i could not use any muscle to even lift my head up. I couldn't get up without clinging to my husband's neck. He was my strength. During the day he would feed me when i need to eat and in the middle of the night i would wake him up when i need to pee or poop, he would flush my foul smelling shit, put my diaper back in place and he would never complain. I would ask him the most stupid question, "does my poop smell bad?", i asked him, He would say "no, your breath does, it smells expired narcotics". 

During my first few hours after surgery, the nurses kept asking if i already farted. I hiccuped a lot but i did not fart on the first 12 hours so the doc gave them instructions to insert suppository into my butt. I had the urge to poop every other minute since. It was a torture going in and out of CR still having the dizzy effect of anesthesia, with dextrose attached to one hand and with sore wound inside and outside of the groin. Thank goodness, they already took the catheter out. But before that, i panicked when the nurse said it had to be removed. Everybody says it's painful taking out a catheter. That stuck into my head making me a cry baby asking the nurse if we could use lubricant. She laughed before she said it ain't possible. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt that much.

On the first day, i thought it was a relief that medicines i had to take were injected into my dextrose rather than my skin. I had to complain to the nurse though as one of the two meds was too painful rushing through my veins...so no thanks. I asked her what was it, she said "painkiller". I told her "huh a pain killer that's giving me so much pain? i don't like it". She was smiling when she said "don't worry, tomorrow when your dextrose is pulled out, you will take capsules instead". Good thing the nurses seemed to have mastered the art of patience. Well it's not only them who need to have a big deal of patience. We must too. Because at the hospital, one must be shameless and expect no privacy. As for me, i exposed the unexposed. They took my undies off, shaved my vjay's hair, inserted a catheter into it and then put me on a diaper...all these while i was unconscious. And when i was conscious? One nurse asked me to spread my legs apart so she could pull the catheter out. How about the nurse who inserted suppository into my ass hole?

Expect to be interrupted. From time to time, a nurse, sometimes a group of nurses would knock on the door to check my BP, get my body temperature, bring in my medicines, ask me how plenty i drank and ate, monitor how many times i peed and pooped, etc. And the room service? One would come in on a daily basis to change the sheets, another to mop the floor or clean the toilet and then another to bring breakfast, lunch and dinner. See how we were pampered? That hospital is really clean and nice, a little pricey though but all so worth it. They provided everything we needed (included in the bill ofcourse). We even took home unused toiletries, a digital thermometer, even the soft pillow that i used.

And how could i forget our last day at the hospital? That day marked my 34th birthday. My most painful and saddest birthday. I woke up from a kiss and a happy birthday from husband, got few texts and messages from friends and relatives. I disabled my birthday notification on facebook as i got tired of my wall being bombarded with posts mostly out of mere courtesy. Those who truly care will remember even without any alert.

Since i had not eaten for almost two days, my food cravings went crazy like of a pregnant woman. I always have a weird dream of myself chomping on pizza and ice cream. So for my birthday, I asked husband to look for yellow cab's pizza. Unfortunately there's no yellow cab in Balanga so i settled for greenwich.

Other things worth remembering were...well, my inlaws giving me a visit on the 2nd day, my doc coming to my side checking and cleaning my wound daily. I was her only patient that time so i got her exclusively for myself. And oh, when my dextrose ran dry, my veins started to squirt blood. Also when i got so lightheaded i almost puked due to anesthesia. I asked everyone to raise the AC up because i felt so hot. I even complained about the AC being defective and demanded for an electric fan instead. In the end i just requested for a cold compress which the nurse immediately granted.

Finally, on the 3rd day, my doc allowed me to go home. My husband settled the bill. I was lucky i got philhealth thus i saved roughly 30%.  I was in pain on the way home but that was okay, it will slowly subside. I pulled through the surgery and that matters more. Don't you think i deserve a pat on the back? Everything was such a painful and rare experience I pray it would never happen again to me or to any of my family or to any of you. Now i will just wait for the biopsy result which will come out after two weeks. May God help me get a favorable result. Wish me well my friends.

That was my caring husband on top and my over-protective obgyn/surgeon at the bottom. I had not taken a picture of my parents and in-laws but all these people were there to watch over me. Also, to my anesthesiologist, assistant doctor and to all the nurses. Thank you and God bless.

My illness: Part 3 (And started the pain...)

I had not slept the night before and had not eaten a decent meal the entire day not only was it due to appetite lost but also i got worried if i poop after surgery i would tear my stitches open. So i just had fruits, mostly papaya to soften my poop, just in case. 

My surgery was scheduled at 6am. My doctor said i needed to arrive at the hospital atleast 30 minutes advanced. By 4:20am my parents, my husband and i were on the road for more than 30-minute trip. Few minutes after 5am we arrived at the hospital. Surprisingly, I was not feeling any anxious, perhaps the waiting got me feeling emotionless and that all i could think about then was to get through it all quick. 

My husband and i got inside the hospital ahead of my parents. we got straight to information desk and told the clerk I was about to have major surgery under an exclusive surgeon. It appeared they were expecting me, my doc must have had arranged everything beforehand. I was then told to proceed to ER. The nurse showed me some forms to sign, gave me patient's gown and was told to take everything off except my undies which I did obediently. I was looking for my husband when the nurse said he was reserving a room for us but assured me he will get back.

Another nurse came up to me, asked me to lie in bed while he injects dextrose needle into my left hand vein. I always have low pain threshold, thus, i flinched a lot even before the needle actually got into the skin. I hate being hospitalized as there would always be injections every now and then. Just when i got through the first needle, came another nurse to inject another needle for allergy test, and then another nurse holding another needle this time for blood matching, and then another. It just never stopped. I was looking around trying to get a glimpse of husband or maybe my parents for a little strength but no one was around. I was being transferred through a stretcher to the OR when my eyes caught my mother standing by the wall. She just nodded and smiled at me which i self-analyzed as other way of saying "you can do it".

There was only one injection left, the epidural anesthesia which will be injected into the back near the butt. I met with the anesthesiologist prior to surgery to discuss a bit about the procedure. "How painful could the injection be doc?" i cut him short. He swore the pain would be no different from other injections and that it would be real quick but the effect would last more than two hours plus he said prior to it, he will put me under sedation to relax.

Later, they asked me to lie down while they were setting up vital signs monitors and shortly after that they injected the sedative into my dextrose. I began to doze off. Suddenly i felt the anesthesia injected into my back but i hardly felt the pain. Then they asked series of questions i didn't remember how many i answered right before i got totally unconscious. Anesthesia was magic. It was like a two-hour death when all my five senses had stopped working. I was in limbo and the world went on completely without me. Would it be the same when I die? I wonder how many centuries will i be in limbo before i exist again.

So after two hours, it was my sense of hearing that got ahead of the others. I began to hear voices from faceless people, one was from my doc calling my name saying my left ovary was totally removed but i was still lucky they managed to save my right ovary. She said i could still get pregnant with just one ovary and even give birth through normal delivery. I still could see nothing but i knew i heard doc right. I thanked God and fell asleep again.

The next thing i knew i was on a stretcher again heading the way to our room. I saw people but everything was blurry and my feet were still numb, i still couldn't move a toe. 

I thought everything was under control...

Then started the pain...

Constant pain...

My illness: Part 2

The next day, i went to see my obgyn to have my ultrasound result interpreted. She said i got bilateral cysts. Meaning on both ovaries. I was right about my thought on the right ovary having a small cyst but i was wrong about the left. The doc said the reason why there was no size indicated was because the cyst had taken over my left ovary leaving it no empty space. She said i had no other choice but i still got only one option. SURGERY. It was a big word as i have never undergone even a minor surgery before. She told me to prepare for the worst as the chance of having both ovaries removed was high. And that once both ovaries are removed, the cervix becomes useless. It only means one thing to me. I will no longer have children.

My world started falling apart. I was holding back tears when i asked the doc one last question. "Do i have cancer?" i asked her. She said most ovarian cysts are non-cancerous, though this will only be confirmed after the cysts are taken out and the biopsy test is done. I walked out the door and saw everything in black. I didn't know how i got home.

I broke down in tears as soon as i got in our room. Mother followed and asked me what was wrong. I told her everything. I knew from the look in her eyes that she was worried. I heard her say i must be brave no matter what but no words seemed to make me feel okay again. 

I felt sorry for my husband who has been vocal about the idea of having another baby. Though he always lets me have the last say on most things because he supports every decision i make as if i'm the boss. I felt sorry for my son who is also getting ready for the second baby. My son is now ten years old and everybody thinks the baby is long overdue. Now that the possibility of getting pregnant again is slim, i thought noone to blame but myself. I never thought i would want another baby as bad as i want it now. I cried until my migraine joined the tears.

I didn't know how i was able to say everything to my husband but more than anyone in the world, his voice is what i would want to hear when everything goes wrong. I knew i broke one of his dreams but all i could say to him was how really sorry i was. He was so sad but never did he say any hurtful word to worsen my sorrow. He just assured me the two of us were going to work things out. The next day, he called to say he wanted to go home as he wasn't able to work well because he got too worried about me. He told me everything was gonna be alright because he was bringing home 75% of the amount we needed for surgery. The doc told us to prepare around 70k. May God bless those who helped us provide the rest. 

The surgery was then set on March 8 at ICMC hospital in Balanga. There was no backing out. I was gonna have my stomach sliced and organs inside my body removed. Some said it's gonna be painful than a CS. The thought alone was killing me...let alone the pain.

My illness: Part 1

So i had been feeling bloated and had been experiencing stomach and groin issues the past few months, maybe past few years as i also used to have series of UTIs years back and now that i think about it, my symptoms may have been misdiagnosed and that i could have prevented everything had i demanded for transvaginal ultrasound early. I was too scared not only of the tests but of the result more than anything. 

I knew there was something not right inside my body but still i wasn't prepared to know a thing. Instead, i planned vacation with husband and my son. I knew if i will get sick we will no longer go places we want. We went to Baguio and we were about to go to Laguna just in time for summer when something came up. I felt a lump on the lower left of my belly button. I was so scared. First thing i thought about was cancer. Anxiety got the better of me that i thought i needed to see a doc asap. Though i knew if i go to the doc, they will put me on a series of unnecessary tests like bloodwork, papsmear, urinalysis and shit...I knew i only needed one test to confirm a lump. The transvaginal ultrasound no more. 

So i went to the hospital alone and requested for an ultrasound before any other tests even without doctor's referral. The sonologist got me started with her lecture saying i should have met with a doctor first before any ultrasound. She was mad but i just let her be. I didn't really care about anything and anyone else except the lump. But from being mad, suddenly she shifted to being calm and i knew it why. She lowered her temper because she saw something wrong but i dared not to ask. Few minutes later, the results was in my hands which i opened immediately. God knows i could understand few. I saw the word cyst and some figures which must have been the size. 

The right ovary had a cyst measured 4cm. The left ovary had no measurement of the cyst but it reads as "cystically enlarged left ovary suggestive of an endometrial cyst" My understanding then was that i got enlarged left ovary and a right ovary with just a small cyst. I thought it could be treated with meds and that i got nothing serious to worry about so i calmed myself down. But not after i gave my obgyn a visit a day after.

Family Day...

Family day at school is being celebrated yearly. It's when parents, siblings even extended family could join the kids in games and other programs the school has organized for one day event. This post is kinda late for a February 15 family day. I know. Though it happens only once a year, this year is just a repeat of previous years'. I felt less inspired. But for the sake of collecting memories, I go ahead just the same.

Fruits or nuts? Whatever. These trees caught my attention. They are good looking, aren't they? I know the oldies use this for nganga. They grind the nut, wrap them with some kind of leaves or grass then smoke chew them like bubblegum. The thoughtful in me made me think of my lolas. We picked few pieces, brought home only to find out they are the wrong nuts. Fail.

Lunch time. The food are camera-shy. Seriously, for lunch, only roasted chicken and rice.

The kids are always sick and tired of the camera nowadays.

The best thing? Husband was able to play basketball for blue team and won! His assists were the proof he has good background in basketball. A little slower now though...aging alert that is.

My niece madee played one of the parlor games.

Kenzie was trying to be funny here. A make-believed monkey...that's her.

At the newly built chapel.

Did I already say we are blue team? Because we are true blue. (photos not mine, grabbed from simon photoboot, the school's official photographer)

The blue kids dance presentation...

The blue parents dance imitation :D...

Other teams presentation (kids)

Other teams presentation (parents)